Today, however, I read one of the books for my "Counseling the Aging" class. I had no great expectations for this book. It is not that I don't care about older people or the struggles they face as they age, because I do. I just expected a book about it to be rather dry. I have been pleasantly surprised. If you know anyone who is a caregiver to aging parents, may I suggest the book to them: "Caring for Your Aging Parents: When Love is Not Enough" by Barbara Dean. There was some useful stuff in there.
I particularly appreciated her discussion about family dynamics: unresolved issues and expectations between adult children and their aging parents, frustration, friction and misunderstandings between siblings, etc. She was certainly honest about the reality of those situations...and offered some thoughts on forgiveness. She quotes a Christian counselor named David Brewer in regard to forgiveness being a process, with a series of stages (rather than a simple, instantaneous event). I found this interesting, and applicable to most of us who are human and have been hurt by others (a universal experience of living).
To forgive as Christ forgave us, Brewer says we must move through four stages:
1) "Reaction": An injury is inflicted and we react by withdrawing from the source of the pain.
2) "Evaluation": We reflect on what has happened and arrive at a value judgment. We feel threatened and react with more pain and anger.
3) "Decision": We may decide to forgive, but our forgiveness may be false. There are two types of false forgiveness:
- "blind forgiveness" in which we deny that anything significant has happened. We make ourselves forget by burying the incident; we may keep busy (especially with "religious" activities) in order to distract ourselves. The result of this is a superficial, surface kind of Christian life.
- "expectant forgiveness" in which our forgiveness depends on whether the person to be forgiven acts in a certain way. ("If he acts sorry, I'll forgive him," we may say). This gives the other person control over our spiritual lives.
4) "Action": True forgiveness. This involves becoming full aware of how someone's offense has threatened us, including experiencing the painful feelings associated with the offense, facing the part we are playing in keeping the resentment alive, and repenting of our failure to be honest about our feelings and to depend on God alone for our sense of self-worth.
(from David Brewer, "Why Can't I Forgive?" Discipleship Journal, Issue 46, 1998, pp. 27-29)
The author of the book I've been reading said this, after listing Brewer's stages:
How will we know that we have truly forgiven someone? When we can think of the person in full acknowledgement of what he has done without feelings of pain and resentment, honestly desiring the best for him.
Given that definition, I think there are a couple people I still need to forgive. I'm going to work on that!
3 comments:
I have always thought that, at its essence, forgiveness involves God and me. I make a decision to forgive. That is my part. I will not hold that grudge against the person. God's part is to change my feelings. I can't do God's part and God won't do my part.
But in my mind, there is more. (And maybe this is arbitrary.). But forgiveness is between me and God. The other person may or may not know about my forgiveness. All Christians are called to forgive. Then there is reconciliation. And I would say, if the other person is a Christian, this is required as well. But there may be times (abuse, for example), where forgiveness is required, but reconciliation is not. The final stage is reinstitution. This is a returning the relationship to where it was role wise. And this as well is situational. Sometimes you do and sometimes you do not.
This model I think is mine... so it is very flawed I'm sure. But it may be someone else's! So if you don't like it, blame me. If you like it, it is probably Dallas Willard. :)
Good points, Paul. I agree with you.
I think we have so much trouble with the first part (forgiveness), and such simplistic teaching about it, that we rarely (unfortunately) get to reconciliation, or what you referred to as reinstitution.
Thank God that He does change our feelings when we give Him that opportunity, otherwise I would be a very bitter person!
You are totally Dallas Willard Jr. :)
Been praying about forgiveness myself after struggling over this reconciliation part. God has been instructing me that He is ushering me to a deeper level using David as a model. When wronged initially all I could muster was God help me to want to forgive. Help me not to return evil for onging evil. Its been awhile and a struggle. However after more prayer and hanging out here He is requiring me to seek person (like David) that I might show the kindness of God.Then He said seek their children/family that I might sit them at the Kings table and facilitate prayers of blessing. My response: oh LORD I need You. I want to be wise and not get reinjured so I must invest trust only in Him. It is a process. God wants me free of anger,offense and bitterness and I want to be free....This is just how He is dealing with me. Hope it helps someone else.
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