Making 8's

Since I was young, the quickest way to get me to NOT do something is to tell me to do it (ask my mom; she developed very creative parenting techniques to motivate me; in many ways, she was a genius, because I could be a strong-willed little thing). I remember being in preschool--maybe 4 years old. We were learning how to write our numbers. We came to the number 8. I liked to make my 8's by putting two circles on top of each other. The teacher told me this was incorrect...that I needed to make more of a continuous motion, kind of a "figure 8". Well, I thought that was stupid. My 8 looked like an 8; why did I need to do it any differently? Wasn't the purpose to represent an 8 to the world? Who cared how I made it? I am not sure I had all those thoughts as a 4 year old, but I do remember my defiant attitude. I was NOT going to change my 8's unless the teacher convinced me of why it was important (which she did not effectively do). I remember making my 8s the same way that I always had, and then going back and darkening the lines between the circles so that it looked like I had made the 8s in one continuous motion. It took a lot longer than if I had just done it the way the teacher asked me to do it...but I stubbornly refused. The funny part, she congratulated me on what a good job I was doing on my 8's...even though I was still doing it my way (unbeknownst to her). Why this is one of my earliest memories, I cannot say! Pretty twisted, aye?

I have an uncle who is also a Methodist pastor. He takes his portable (enclosed) coffee mug with him and sets it on the pulpit when he preaches. This really bothers a number of people in the congregation. I think "what is the worst that could happen? It might spill and you'd have to clean it up? What is the big deal?" Unless someone could explain to me (i.e. CONVINCE me) why this has any deep or eternal significance, my natural instinct would be to bring 2 coffee mugs onto the pulpit just to prove a point.

Admittedly, this is not a great feature of my personality. It is defiant and willful. The flip-side of that part of my personality leads to some great qualities: I know who I am, can think for myself, can vision and see outside the box, don't let convention keep me from trying new things, am able to distinguish what is truly important in life, etc. The down side of being willful and defiant (being what I dubbed a "rule breaker") is that you can think your ideas are more important than the ideas of others. Just because I do not share someone else's passion about something does not mean that their passion is unimportant. It is important to them...and if you care about someone, you need to attempt to care about the things they care about...or, at the very least, seek to understand the things they care about. This has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned in pastoral ministry...to be sensitive to what others are concerned with, even if it makes no sense to me...all the while keeping "the main thing, the main thing".

In my relationship with God, defiance can also be a problem. For the most part, God's commandments make sense to me. I see what He is getting at and I gladly follow because I share His logic. But there are things God has yet to explain or reveal to me...and at those points, I sometimes dig my heels in and fight back. It is not good, or pretty, but God and I are making progress. Still, when He tells me to "wait"...I get mad. If God would just explain why, if I could understand His reasoning, then I would gladly do whatever He said. When He leaves me in the dark, I get annoyed...it makes as much sense to me as my teacher telling me to make my 8's a different way. Tell me WHY!!! But God does not bend Himself to my will...and it is at that point where I am continually being taught lessons about faith and trust.

Something that has driven that lesson home for me in recent years: A while back, there was a young man that I was very smitten with--perhaps I even loved him. He seemed to be the embodiment of everything I had ever looked for in a guy: loved Jesus, made me laugh, could talk to him for hours about anything, thought he was brilliant and attractive and just loved to spend time with him. He was not without his flaws, but had no tragic flaws...no "deal breakers". In the course of spending time with him, I realized that he did not love me...or, if he did have any feelings for me, they were not strong enough to pursue a relationship with me (even though we seemed to "click" on multiple levels). He never really gave me an answer for why that wasn't there for him, just that he did not want a romantic relationship with me. I so desperately wanted to know "why"...wanted him to tell me something...that he was not attracted to me, that the timing was bad, that he just didn't see a future with us for some specific reason...something, anything...just an answer, even if it was hard to hear.

I prayed about this situation for a long time and struggled with God in the midst of it, saying things like: "Please, just let me know 'why'; You, Lord, who know everything, just help me understand this so that I can get over it and move on. I need an answer to "why". Please". I prayed that, on and off, with varying degrees of intensity for probably 2 years. Finally, the Lord spoke to me...not an audible voice, but with such a strong impression in my spirit that I knew it had to be Him speaking. God said: "You are not going to get an answer to this and you are going to have to find a way to let it go...for good".

I was very mad at God, because that is not the answer I wanted. I wanted resolution, on my terms. He said, "No. You are going to have to trust me on this". After being upset with my "answer", I finally found a way to let that go (which, in a strange ritual, involved dropping/throwing a big rock off a pier into Lake Erie). Symbolically, I let go of the hope, the frustration, the unknown...and found a way to rest in God's goodness, even when He would not give me the explanation that I sought. That to me is a refining of my will, a polishing of the nature in me which needs to be convinced before I trust. I am learning to trust in God simply because I know He is good and wills the best for me in every situation, whether I understand the "hows" and "whys" or not.

Incidentally, I now make my 8s the way the teacher asked me to in the first place. Maybe that is evidence of God's slow-moving, soul-changing grace at work in my life.