Fear

I went to a doctor's appointment today. I will not go into the details of the visit, let's just say it was a doctor that specializes in females. The first time I went to this type of doctor, it was an awful, horrible, embarrassing, painful (insert other ugly words here) experience. Because of that, I have made procrastinating those types of appointments into an art form. Since I've been having some iron problems related to being a woman, I had no choice but to go...my family doctor made me do it.

As I was sitting in the lobby today, I was nervous about the experience, about the unknown, about getting yelled at for going 7 years without such a visit, etc. As I sat there, I kept telling myself: "You've had major surgery; this cannot be that bad...most things will never be that bad again". I found comfort in my previous pain...knowing that I now had first-hand experience, and a new perspective, of what real pain truly feels like.

When I went back with the nurse, she asked me questions, including how long it had been since my last appointment. When I told her, she was not gracious. She definitely used the word "should" (known in counseling circles as the "language of blame"). My response to her was: "Well, at least I'm here now" (I learned--and internalized--that phrase from my fabulous dentist and his amazingly compassionate office staff). I think it was the first time in my life where I was acutely aware, in the precise moment, of someone's attempt to make me feel bad about something and my refusal to do such. I felt very empowered. This whole year has been a year of being pro-active about my health, of doing whatever it takes to get the healthiest life and body possible...and I am doing a great job with it. You can't change the past. You can only go forward with the future. I have no time for beating myself up about what I "should" do or "could" have done. That's just pointless. I actually stood up for myself today--me, an avowed people pleaser--and it felt great. This was truly a monumental experience.

The whole day, however, made me think about the nature of fear. How many things do I avoid because I am afraid? In reality, the thing I fear is never as bad as I expect it to be (nothing to fear but fear itself?). I was worried about pain today, but realized I now have a much different definition of, and threshold for, pain. I was worried about awkwardness and feeling uncomfortable, but learned that some doctors are so good at what they do that you barely notice the strangeness of the ritual. I was worried about being shamed for avoiding those appointments for so long; instead, I learned that no one can make you feel shame if you refuse to do so (i.e. Eleanor Roosevelt's: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"). If I had continued to skip those appointments, I may never have learned those valuable lessons.

So, I am examining my life today in light of fear. What am I avoiding because I am afraid? In my emotional life, in my spiritual life, in my ministry: where am I holding back because being where I am feels safer than the unknown? And, perhaps the biggest question of all: What am I missing out on because of those fears and the consequent paralysis?

God does not want us to be bound by fear. Here is just one of many verses that remind us of the need to boldly step out in faith in all areas of our lives.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
~2 Tim. 1:7