Love Lessons

Many apologies for the lack of recent posts. Starting a doctoral program in addition to normal pastoral duties has put me a little behind in the realm of blogging. In addition, another crucial dimension has been added to my life. I've started dating a wonderful man named Joe. Poor guy, he is dating a pastor, so he may very well end up as a sermon illustration or, like today, the impetus for a blog post.

This whole relationship thing has made me think many thoughts about God. Primarily, I've realized I have no clue as to what God is thinking most days. The more I try to figure Him out, the more confused I get. This is especially true in regard to His timing. This relationship caught me completely by surprise. Yes, we did meet on the internet (christiancafe.com), so I was, at some level, looking for a relationship. However, after a few months of online dating, I had pretty much decided that it was not for me. I was discouraged and disappointed by the people I had met; some guys were really nice guys, there was just no chemistry; others were plain creepy, and I mean that in the most Christ-like way. The overall experience was disheartening. I even went hiking one day and said to God, "This is ridiculous. I give up. I am done. I am going to buy a bunch of cats and forget the idea of ever meeting a man I could possibly marry." I say that tongue in cheek, but it was actually a very painful conversation that I had with God, wondering aloud if He really cared about the deepest desires of my heart. Because, unfortunately, whenever God does not do things in my timing, in the form I think things should take, I resort to doubting Him and His care for me. I am sure this frustrates Him endlessly, yet He loves me still. That relentless love will forever amaze me, because I certainly do not deserve it.

A few days after my little tantrum with God, I got a message from Joe, and so it began...at the point when I was ready to call it quits in terms of dating--but he seemed different, special, worth my time and attention (turns out, he is better than anyone I could have dreamed up). The whole thing happened at a very busy time, as I was starting my doctoral work, and had other things on my mind--as well as having decided that marriage was just never going to happen for me. The timing is not how I would have planned it, but maybe God actually knows what He is doing, even if His plan unfolds in a different way and time than I would expect. Maybe I had to really surrender my hopes, dreams and desires to God before He could actually fulfill them in any meaningful way. Again, I have no idea what God is thinking, so I could speculate all day about why this happened when it happened. Maybe I should just be grateful and enjoy it.

Another spiritual lesson I have learned from this new relationship is how cold my heart really is toward God. I enjoy talking to Joe for hours on end. I would give up sleep to spend time with him. When I hear his voice on the phone, my heart skips a beat. If I could just stare at his handsome face for days, I would feel content. No one has ever inspired such intensity of emotion in my heart before. Yet it makes me think, do I feel this intensely for Christ? When is the last time I gave up sleep in order to read His Word? When is the last time I was giddy just to be in His Presence? When has the sound of His Voice stopped my heart? I want to love God with that kind of intensity...to seek Him with the passion of a woman in love. That is what God deserves from us.

I have this belief that all the best parts of human relationships are but a poor reflection of the relationship God wants to have with us. The intensity and passion of romantic love remind us of the intensity of God's love for us, and how He is a God who longs to be loved with every part of our heart, soul, strength and mind. He wants a relationship with us that is all-consuming, all-fulfilling, all-inspiring. Falling in love with Joe has made me want to love Jesus even more. I pray for all of us that we might love Jesus with all the intensity and beauty that He is worthy of receiving. He deserves nothing less from us.

Recognising the Voice

Many apologies for the blogging silence, dear friends. I have been in the Boston area, working on my doctoral program at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I will be here throughout this coming week, as well. While I have certainly had some extra time in which to blog, I have not had much brain power left over after classes and homework. My mind is preoccupied with overly ambitious thoughts and is overwhelmed from very long days. I did, however, want to share something I read in a devotional book last night. Since my own thoughts are stagnate right now, I am borrowing from the thoughts of others (and it will probably be even more inspirational!). The following is taken from the book "The Monstatic Way: Ancient Wisdom for Contemporary Living, a Book of Daily Readings" edited by Hannah Ward and Jennifer Wild.

This devotional is entitled "Recognising the Voice" and begins with this quote:

"God is always at home. It is we who have gone out for a walk"
~Meister Eckhart

(and then the actual devotional, which happens to be in more of a poem format for this particular day)

"In the film
Dead Poets Society,
a student pretends
to get a phone call
during morning assembly.
When the phone rings,
he answers it
and tells the headmaster
that it is God calling.
I have spent
the majority of my life
waiting for that ring,
putting my life
on hold,
sitting through
sleepless nights
waiting, as if
for Godot,
but I only get
wrong numbers
or solicitors.
Each ring
I anticipate
a divine voice,
hoping beyond hope
that this time it is God,
but then it is
a lonely voice
or a distraught student
and again
I missed God,
or did I.
I wonder if maybe
I have heard
from God,
but just haven't
recognised the voice."
~Benedict Auer

Freedom

Since we are celebrating freedom this weekend, I thought I would share one of my favorite passages about the most important kind of freedom. May you find the ultimate freedom!

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
They answered him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?"
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
~John 8:31-36

Being known

My best friend sent me an email yesterday that contained this line: "I know you better than you know yourself". She was trying to make the point that sometimes I am not always objective when the topic is me. She then spoke wonderful and beautiful truths to me--about me--that I believe because they come from her. It made me reflect on what a fulfilling experience it is to be known. Isn't that what we all long for, after all? I think that is part of being created in the image of God: the desire to know and be known.

I remember a line from a movie about C.S. Lewis called Shadowlands. In the movie, Lewis is talking about books and says, "We read to know we are not alone." I think that is the relational element which is part of our make up as humans. We want connection with others (be they real or fictional). We want to know we are not alone.

But I think we want more than that. We want to be known...just as we are...and still loved. That is the greatest gift my best friend, Jessica (and many other dear friends and family) have taught me: Just as I am, warts and all, I am loved...deeply. Most people seem to have this fear that if people knew them, really knew them, they would not be fully loved and accepted. We have bought into this myth that love (or acceptance) are dependent things...dependent on perfection...but I like Shakespeare's take on love:

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken."
~Shakespeare, from Sonnet 116

I think that is the truth of any kind of real, deep love--not just romantic love--but the kind of love we humans most long for in relationships, that "know and be known" kind of love. The beauty of it all is that God lavishes that kind of love on us every day...and sends people into our lives to remind us that we are known, and loved, just as we are. I don't know about you, but I need to be continually reminded of that. Thank you, God, for those reminders...and thank you, Jessica, for knowing me better than I know myself. It is a good thing to be known.

Time for Healing

I think we all struggle with certain issues. My roommates in seminary and I used to joke about some of the people we knew having "more issues than National Geographic". The truth is, we all have areas of brokenness and insecurity...places that need healing and renewal.

God has brought certain broken places in my soul to the surface lately. I once heard someone say that that Holy Spirit will make you aware of things when it is the right time to really deal with them--and will give you the strength to be able to fully address those things. So, when new realizations (really, epiphanies) come to me, I take those seriously...as if God is trying to get a message across to me.

The most recent revelation of God to me is that I need to let Him heal my heart. There are things I believe about myself that are not true, insecurities and fears that keep me from fully embracing God's best for my life. I call myself many names that are not true or right or good. God wants me to see myself as He sees me. There is a passage in Isaiah that speaks to me of changing what we say about ourselves to reflect the truth of what God says about us:

Isaiah 62:3-5
The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—
a splendid crown in the hand of God.
Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City”
or “The Desolate Land.”
Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”
and “The Bride of God,”
for the Lord delights in you
and will claim you as his bride.
Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem,
just as a young man commits himself to his bride.
Then God will rejoice over you
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.

For me, I feel God has brought certain wounds to the surface because it is time to find healing for those things. It is time to really live into my identity as a child of God, to truly see myself as a person who is loved and redeemed by the Creator of the Universe. I am not even sure how to do that exactly, but take great comfort in the fact that God knows the things I do not know. All I have to do is submit myself to Him and let Him do a work in my heart.

As I spent time in prayer today, talking with God about healing, a song kept coming back to me, specifically this line: "You are our Healer, and you know what's broken, and we're not a mystery to you". That brought me great comfort, knowing that the things which seem like a big, jumbled mess in my soul are not a mystery to God, and not beyond His healing. That line comes from a beautiful song by Watermark, called "Mended". I wish I could find the actual song to share, but I at least offer the lyrics as a source of encouragement:

"Mended" by Watermark
You repair all that we have torn apart
and You unveil a new beginning in our hearts
and we stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

Chorus:
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind
and all that goes before us

Chorus

Bridge:
Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, for what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised

Knowing God's Love

There is a Scripture passage that continues to speak to me anew, at each stage of my life:

Ephesians 3: 17-19 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (The New Living Translation)

This passage talks about experiencing God's love in a way that goes beyond mental ascent. It talks about feeling that love, knowing that love, being overwhelmed by that love, being sure of that love...a love that is so big we can never fully get our minds around it; all we can really do is live into it.

I struggle with this because I want to get my mind around it. I want it to make sense. I want God to make sense. I want to know the answers to all the mysteries of the universe. To my inquiring mind, God speaks the truth that His love is not just an intellectual exercise, it is a way of living and being in the world; it is an identity; it is a firm foundation on which to stand...not something to be dissected, but something to experience.

I limit God, trying to fit Him into my image instead of transforming into His--meaning, among many things, that I view His love as conditional, because that has been my experience of even the most freely given human love. Most of the time, I think my biggest problem is that I just don't feel worthy of God's love. Why does this God want to love me? Really, He loves me with this great big, wide, high, deep love? Why?

With all my theological training, there is still only one answer that seems correct: Because He wants to. That's it. It is not because I am worth it, for I mess up all the time. It's not because He needs me (or any of us), because the eternally existing God could make it just fine without us. He loves us simply because He chooses to...and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us any more or less than He already does.

I pray that reality--the very real depths of God's love--will find its way into your heart and become the Truth by which you determine your worth, and the worth of all those around you. May we each live into the great, big, high, wide and deep Love that sustains and holds us, most profoundly when we do not deserve it at all.

Fear

I went to a doctor's appointment today. I will not go into the details of the visit, let's just say it was a doctor that specializes in females. The first time I went to this type of doctor, it was an awful, horrible, embarrassing, painful (insert other ugly words here) experience. Because of that, I have made procrastinating those types of appointments into an art form. Since I've been having some iron problems related to being a woman, I had no choice but to go...my family doctor made me do it.

As I was sitting in the lobby today, I was nervous about the experience, about the unknown, about getting yelled at for going 7 years without such a visit, etc. As I sat there, I kept telling myself: "You've had major surgery; this cannot be that bad...most things will never be that bad again". I found comfort in my previous pain...knowing that I now had first-hand experience, and a new perspective, of what real pain truly feels like.

When I went back with the nurse, she asked me questions, including how long it had been since my last appointment. When I told her, she was not gracious. She definitely used the word "should" (known in counseling circles as the "language of blame"). My response to her was: "Well, at least I'm here now" (I learned--and internalized--that phrase from my fabulous dentist and his amazingly compassionate office staff). I think it was the first time in my life where I was acutely aware, in the precise moment, of someone's attempt to make me feel bad about something and my refusal to do such. I felt very empowered. This whole year has been a year of being pro-active about my health, of doing whatever it takes to get the healthiest life and body possible...and I am doing a great job with it. You can't change the past. You can only go forward with the future. I have no time for beating myself up about what I "should" do or "could" have done. That's just pointless. I actually stood up for myself today--me, an avowed people pleaser--and it felt great. This was truly a monumental experience.

The whole day, however, made me think about the nature of fear. How many things do I avoid because I am afraid? In reality, the thing I fear is never as bad as I expect it to be (nothing to fear but fear itself?). I was worried about pain today, but realized I now have a much different definition of, and threshold for, pain. I was worried about awkwardness and feeling uncomfortable, but learned that some doctors are so good at what they do that you barely notice the strangeness of the ritual. I was worried about being shamed for avoiding those appointments for so long; instead, I learned that no one can make you feel shame if you refuse to do so (i.e. Eleanor Roosevelt's: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"). If I had continued to skip those appointments, I may never have learned those valuable lessons.

So, I am examining my life today in light of fear. What am I avoiding because I am afraid? In my emotional life, in my spiritual life, in my ministry: where am I holding back because being where I am feels safer than the unknown? And, perhaps the biggest question of all: What am I missing out on because of those fears and the consequent paralysis?

God does not want us to be bound by fear. Here is just one of many verses that remind us of the need to boldly step out in faith in all areas of our lives.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
~2 Tim. 1:7

Stages of Forgiveness

I am doing a lot of reading for my Doctorate of Ministry program...more accurately, I have been doing a lot of procrastination of said reading...

Today, however, I read one of the books for my "Counseling the Aging" class. I had no great expectations for this book. It is not that I don't care about older people or the struggles they face as they age, because I do. I just expected a book about it to be rather dry. I have been pleasantly surprised. If you know anyone who is a caregiver to aging parents, may I suggest the book to them: "Caring for Your Aging Parents: When Love is Not Enough" by Barbara Dean. There was some useful stuff in there.

I particularly appreciated her discussion about family dynamics: unresolved issues and expectations between adult children and their aging parents, frustration, friction and misunderstandings between siblings, etc. She was certainly honest about the reality of those situations...and offered some thoughts on forgiveness. She quotes a Christian counselor named David Brewer in regard to forgiveness being a process, with a series of stages (rather than a simple, instantaneous event). I found this interesting, and applicable to most of us who are human and have been hurt by others (a universal experience of living).

To forgive as Christ forgave us, Brewer says we must move through four stages:
1) "Reaction": An injury is inflicted and we react by withdrawing from the source of the pain.
2) "Evaluation": We reflect on what has happened and arrive at a value judgment. We feel threatened and react with more pain and anger.
3) "Decision": We may decide to forgive, but our forgiveness may be false. There are two types of false forgiveness:

• "blind forgiveness" in which we deny that anything significant has happened. We make ourselves forget by burying the incident; we may keep busy (especially with "religious" activities) in order to distract ourselves. The result of this is a superficial, surface kind of Christian life.
• "expectant forgiveness" in which our forgiveness depends on whether the person to be forgiven acts in a certain way. ("If he acts sorry, I'll forgive him," we may say). This gives the other person control over our spiritual lives.

4) "Action": True forgiveness. This involves becoming full aware of how someone's offense has threatened us, including experiencing the painful feelings associated with the offense, facing the part we are playing in keeping the resentment alive, and repenting of our failure to be honest about our feelings and to depend on God alone for our sense of self-worth.

(from David Brewer, "Why Can't I Forgive?" Discipleship Journal, Issue 46, 1998, pp. 27-29)

The author of the book I've been reading said this, after listing Brewer's stages:

How will we know that we have truly forgiven someone? When we can think of the person in full acknowledgement of what he has done without feelings of pain and resentment, honestly desiring the best for him.

Given that definition, I think there are a couple people I still need to forgive. I'm going to work on that!

Making 8's

Since I was young, the quickest way to get me to NOT do something is to tell me to do it (ask my mom; she developed very creative parenting techniques to motivate me; in many ways, she was a genius, because I could be a strong-willed little thing). I remember being in preschool--maybe 4 years old. We were learning how to write our numbers. We came to the number 8. I liked to make my 8's by putting two circles on top of each other. The teacher told me this was incorrect...that I needed to make more of a continuous motion, kind of a "figure 8". Well, I thought that was stupid. My 8 looked like an 8; why did I need to do it any differently? Wasn't the purpose to represent an 8 to the world? Who cared how I made it? I am not sure I had all those thoughts as a 4 year old, but I do remember my defiant attitude. I was NOT going to change my 8's unless the teacher convinced me of why it was important (which she did not effectively do). I remember making my 8s the same way that I always had, and then going back and darkening the lines between the circles so that it looked like I had made the 8s in one continuous motion. It took a lot longer than if I had just done it the way the teacher asked me to do it...but I stubbornly refused. The funny part, she congratulated me on what a good job I was doing on my 8's...even though I was still doing it my way (unbeknownst to her). Why this is one of my earliest memories, I cannot say! Pretty twisted, aye?

I have an uncle who is also a Methodist pastor. He takes his portable (enclosed) coffee mug with him and sets it on the pulpit when he preaches. This really bothers a number of people in the congregation. I think "what is the worst that could happen? It might spill and you'd have to clean it up? What is the big deal?" Unless someone could explain to me (i.e. CONVINCE me) why this has any deep or eternal significance, my natural instinct would be to bring 2 coffee mugs onto the pulpit just to prove a point.

Admittedly, this is not a great feature of my personality. It is defiant and willful. The flip-side of that part of my personality leads to some great qualities: I know who I am, can think for myself, can vision and see outside the box, don't let convention keep me from trying new things, am able to distinguish what is truly important in life, etc. The down side of being willful and defiant (being what I dubbed a "rule breaker") is that you can think your ideas are more important than the ideas of others. Just because I do not share someone else's passion about something does not mean that their passion is unimportant. It is important to them...and if you care about someone, you need to attempt to care about the things they care about...or, at the very least, seek to understand the things they care about. This has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned in pastoral ministry...to be sensitive to what others are concerned with, even if it makes no sense to me...all the while keeping "the main thing, the main thing".

In my relationship with God, defiance can also be a problem. For the most part, God's commandments make sense to me. I see what He is getting at and I gladly follow because I share His logic. But there are things God has yet to explain or reveal to me...and at those points, I sometimes dig my heels in and fight back. It is not good, or pretty, but God and I are making progress. Still, when He tells me to "wait"...I get mad. If God would just explain why, if I could understand His reasoning, then I would gladly do whatever He said. When He leaves me in the dark, I get annoyed...it makes as much sense to me as my teacher telling me to make my 8's a different way. Tell me WHY!!! But God does not bend Himself to my will...and it is at that point where I am continually being taught lessons about faith and trust.

Something that has driven that lesson home for me in recent years: A while back, there was a young man that I was very smitten with--perhaps I even loved him. He seemed to be the embodiment of everything I had ever looked for in a guy: loved Jesus, made me laugh, could talk to him for hours about anything, thought he was brilliant and attractive and just loved to spend time with him. He was not without his flaws, but had no tragic flaws...no "deal breakers". In the course of spending time with him, I realized that he did not love me...or, if he did have any feelings for me, they were not strong enough to pursue a relationship with me (even though we seemed to "click" on multiple levels). He never really gave me an answer for why that wasn't there for him, just that he did not want a romantic relationship with me. I so desperately wanted to know "why"...wanted him to tell me something...that he was not attracted to me, that the timing was bad, that he just didn't see a future with us for some specific reason...something, anything...just an answer, even if it was hard to hear.

I prayed about this situation for a long time and struggled with God in the midst of it, saying things like: "Please, just let me know 'why'; You, Lord, who know everything, just help me understand this so that I can get over it and move on. I need an answer to "why". Please". I prayed that, on and off, with varying degrees of intensity for probably 2 years. Finally, the Lord spoke to me...not an audible voice, but with such a strong impression in my spirit that I knew it had to be Him speaking. God said: "You are not going to get an answer to this and you are going to have to find a way to let it go...for good".

I was very mad at God, because that is not the answer I wanted. I wanted resolution, on my terms. He said, "No. You are going to have to trust me on this". After being upset with my "answer", I finally found a way to let that go (which, in a strange ritual, involved dropping/throwing a big rock off a pier into Lake Erie). Symbolically, I let go of the hope, the frustration, the unknown...and found a way to rest in God's goodness, even when He would not give me the explanation that I sought. That to me is a refining of my will, a polishing of the nature in me which needs to be convinced before I trust. I am learning to trust in God simply because I know He is good and wills the best for me in every situation, whether I understand the "hows" and "whys" or not.

Incidentally, I now make my 8s the way the teacher asked me to in the first place. Maybe that is evidence of God's slow-moving, soul-changing grace at work in my life.

Being a Rule Breaker

A few years ago, I went to a Small Groups Conference with two colleagues (more accurately described as good friends). The speaker had us do an "ice breaker". We were supposed to turn to our neighbor and tell them if you are a "rule breaker" or "rule follower". Both of my friends turned, instantly, pointed at me and said in unison: "rule breaker". Then we all laughed.

It is true, I would accurately be called a "rule breaker". I like to think my own thoughts, do my own thing. Perhaps I have some authority issues (though God is, as always, working with me and refining this stubborn streak that often surfaces in me). The truth is, when someone tells me to do something, my first response is usually: Why? If I love someone, I would go to the moon and back for them, without asking questions--that's probably a lie; I'd ask questions but then follow the path of love and service. For some reason, I am just hesitant to follow orders.

The reason I bring this up today is because I want to talk about the "rule followers"...because, honestly, I just don't understand them. Or more accurately, I just don't understand why they get so bent out of shape when other people break rules. A story to illustrate: I went hiking today. On the particular path I was on, no dogs are allowed. Toward the end of the path, I passed a woman with a dog...a big, scary looking dog. I did think, as I passed her, "You're not allowed to have dogs on the path". But then I thought, "Who am I? The rule police". She can choose to follow the rules or not--and also to deal with the consequences of those choices,whatever they may be--it is not really my concern. Plus, that was a scary dog, and the woman was even scarier. I wasn't risking my life to point out that no dogs are allowed on the path. (In all fairness, the dog was on a leash and the woman was in complete control of said dog...it was just an ugly dog).

As I was exiting the path, a frantic woman approached me and started talking to me. I had to take my earphones out to hear her. She says: "Did that woman have a pit bull? On the path?" She asked this with the same intensity as if the dog woman were holding hostages inside a bank or something. I said, "I think so". Intense, rule-following woman says: "Well, she's not allowed to do that. There are no dogs allowed on the path." I guess I gave her a "what do I look like, the park ranger?" look, because she raced off to confront the woman about her earth-halting, rule infraction. The dog walking woman had to be twice the size of the little, irate lady. I was picturing the altercation. In my mind, I saw dog woman saying: "Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it?" to the rule Nazi. Perhaps I should have cared more...but it was 80+ degrees, I had just walked/run for 5 miles, I was hot, thirsty, and ready to get into my car and crank the air conditioning. I also thought, "Don't we have park rangers for this kind of thing?" It is not that I shrug off my civic responsibilities or that I am unconcerned with creating a just world--nor am I afraid of confrontation (I could actually stand to be a little less comfortable with confrontation). I just know there are a lot of things in life that I am responsible for, that I HAVE to do...this didn't seem like one of them. Then again, I am a "rule breaker", so what do I know?!

I did have a "rule follower" kind of moment today, though. About half way down the path, I came across a whole collection of water bottles discarded on the side of the path. There must have been 20 of them, at least. It really made me angry, because why would anyone just throw their empty water bottle on the side of the road? Do they think nature is their personal trash can? Plus, if you are going to use those water bottles, you could at least recycle them. I think one person started it, and then others thought, "Hey, I am too tired to carry my water bottle back with me to my car, I'll just add to the collection". If it hadn't been over 2 miles down the path, I would have gotten a trash bag and come back. Next time, I will bring a trash bag with me and recycle the bottles. I guess there are some rules that seem pretty important to me, primarily: "Treat God's people and all of His creation with respect". That, to me, seems like a more important rule than "no dogs on the path". If the rule seems eternally significant, I will follow it without question. Maybe I am not such a rule-breaker after all.