Many apologies for the lack of recent posts. Starting a doctoral program in addition to normal pastoral duties has put me a little behind in the realm of blogging. In addition, another crucial dimension has been added to my life. I've started dating a wonderful man named Joe. Poor guy, he is dating a pastor, so he may very well end up as a sermon illustration or, like today, the impetus for a blog post.
This whole relationship thing has made me think many thoughts about God. Primarily, I've realized I have no clue as to what God is thinking most days. The more I try to figure Him out, the more confused I get. This is especially true in regard to His timing. This relationship caught me completely by surprise. Yes, we did meet on the internet (christiancafe.com), so I was, at some level, looking for a relationship. However, after a few months of online dating, I had pretty much decided that it was not for me. I was discouraged and disappointed by the people I had met; some guys were really nice guys, there was just no chemistry; others were plain creepy, and I mean that in the most Christ-like way. The overall experience was disheartening. I even went hiking one day and said to God, "This is ridiculous. I give up. I am done. I am going to buy a bunch of cats and forget the idea of ever meeting a man I could possibly marry." I say that tongue in cheek, but it was actually a very painful conversation that I had with God, wondering aloud if He really cared about the deepest desires of my heart. Because, unfortunately, whenever God does not do things in my timing, in the form I think things should take, I resort to doubting Him and His care for me. I am sure this frustrates Him endlessly, yet He loves me still. That relentless love will forever amaze me, because I certainly do not deserve it.
A few days after my little tantrum with God, I got a message from Joe, and so it began...at the point when I was ready to call it quits in terms of dating--but he seemed different, special, worth my time and attention (turns out, he is better than anyone I could have dreamed up). The whole thing happened at a very busy time, as I was starting my doctoral work, and had other things on my mind--as well as having decided that marriage was just never going to happen for me. The timing is not how I would have planned it, but maybe God actually knows what He is doing, even if His plan unfolds in a different way and time than I would expect. Maybe I had to really surrender my hopes, dreams and desires to God before He could actually fulfill them in any meaningful way. Again, I have no idea what God is thinking, so I could speculate all day about why this happened when it happened. Maybe I should just be grateful and enjoy it.
Another spiritual lesson I have learned from this new relationship is how cold my heart really is toward God. I enjoy talking to Joe for hours on end. I would give up sleep to spend time with him. When I hear his voice on the phone, my heart skips a beat. If I could just stare at his handsome face for days, I would feel content. No one has ever inspired such intensity of emotion in my heart before. Yet it makes me think, do I feel this intensely for Christ? When is the last time I gave up sleep in order to read His Word? When is the last time I was giddy just to be in His Presence? When has the sound of His Voice stopped my heart? I want to love God with that kind of intensity...to seek Him with the passion of a woman in love. That is what God deserves from us.
I have this belief that all the best parts of human relationships are but a poor reflection of the relationship God wants to have with us. The intensity and passion of romantic love remind us of the intensity of God's love for us, and how He is a God who longs to be loved with every part of our heart, soul, strength and mind. He wants a relationship with us that is all-consuming, all-fulfilling, all-inspiring. Falling in love with Joe has made me want to love Jesus even more. I pray for all of us that we might love Jesus with all the intensity and beauty that He is worthy of receiving. He deserves nothing less from us.
10 comments:
"...others were plain creepy, and I mean that in the most Christ-like way."
Okay, that is just funny.
Your final paragraphs about closeness with God are profound. I want to have that too... so why does prayer sometimes seem like such a chore?
And he is not dating a pastor. He is dating a woman who happens to be a pastor. You are more than your job...even more than your calling. :)
Thanks for the reminder that I am more than my job. It is difficult to remember that at times...especially when he calls me "reverend" at random times, as is his custom! ;-)
I wish I knew why prayer was such a chore at times. I just know I want to love Jesus more...how I get from where I am to where I want to be, that's a mystery to me.
There is a line from a Merton poem, something like: "But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire."
I am just praying that God will strengthen that desire in me...the desire to please Him...and even more importantly, the desire to long for more of Him.
Suggested Donation List:
Pre-marital Counseling: $80
Wedding Ceremony: $125
Vocal Solo: $12.50
Will dress up like Elvis for ceremony, but that's $50 extra. My sons can be hired as ring bearers or junior groomsman, but they'll charge one Nintendo DS, each.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Is the cost of the vocal solo, in comparison to the other costs, indicative of quality (or lack thereof)? I would totally pay $12.50 to hear you sing at my wedding! ha ha ha!
p.s. you could totally charge more for your services. I heard about some guy with a website who was ordained on the internet who charges a $300 fee...with your credentials, you could easily double that amount!
I can tell when I see the glow on your beautiful face that this is a very special time in your life. The cool thing is, after meeting Joe, he has it too.
I believe that the Lord loves happiness and wants the very best for us. So, my prayer is for you both to be blessed with so much joy and love that you just ooze with the wonder of it all!
Much "oozing" is happening here ;-)
Thanks for the sweet comments, Marla! I am glowing a wee bit, I will admit! LOVE you!
Thank you so much for this post. You don't really know me, but I'm sure that you have heard about me as I have heard of you. My name is Michelle and I am the girlfriend of Pastor Kevin Dotts. I stumbled across your blog through Kevin's myspace page and I am so glad I stumbled upon the time that I did.
Your words are profound and I completely understand and relate to every single word of it. I had the conversation with God about not dating, although I never intended to get a cat! :) I met the creepy ones too, but I was never prepared for what God was going to do for my life by sending Kevin in my general direction!
When we first started talking, I struggled with the fact that he was a pastor...even my mom told me that pastors don't date "girls like me". I'm so grateful that she and I were both wrong in that regard! I quickly realized that pastors are human, and Kevin is Kevin, pastor or not!
Being with Kevin has strengthened my faith more than I thought possible...every day I am thanking God for the wonderful work He has done by putting him in my life just when I thought I was "done".
I am so glad to see that God is fulfilling the desires of your heart. Kevin speaks very highly of you and after reading your blog (more than once), I can understand why. May God continue to bless you as you continue to seek his face!!
Blessings,
Michelle
Congratulations Tina!
Love is a very special and wonderful thing (I know most people say that but I mean it). Love allows us to reach the extremes of ourselves; the parts that "normal" life just doesn't let us explore.
I'm reminded of Shaksepeares sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds,Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
P.S. that was from memory I've still got it haha...congrats again
GREAT post, Tina! Your words and experiences resonate with my own. I'm so happy that God has sent a great guy into your life. I'm still waiting on mine and trying not to give up on that dream. Thanks for this great post!
I should write about love more often...it brings lots of comments ;-)
Michelle: I have heard so much about you. Kevin just adores you. He is a great guy...and you seem great for him. Always remember, pastors are just people...and all people are flawed. I know, from what Kevin has said, that you love God and are seeking Him. What more do you need? I look forward to getting to know you better in the future. Blessings on your relationship.
Anonymous: Yeah...love is pretty fabulous...and that is my favorite Shakespeare sonnet...and one of my all time favorite pieces of poetry ever. Thank you!
Angela: Great to hear from you! I know that God will fill the desires of your heart. He is good that way (though frustratingly slow, by my standards...but His best is definitely worth waiting for!).
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