I remember the first night I ever cried myself to sleep. It was because, in my young girlhood, I felt sad and alone. In contrast, I remember the first time a bout of nocturnal crying was not self-motivated or self-referenced. I was crying over the fate of someone’s soul…fearing that soul would be lost…wrestling in prayer for God to step in and rescue what seemed unredeemable. Over the years, crying and wrestling with God on behalf of another has become a common experience for me. As I’ve continually and sincerely prayed, “God, break my heart with the things that break Your heart”, God’s been faithful in answering that prayer. In my teenage years, I prayed fervently for my relatives who did not know Jesus Christ, fearing for their eternity, heart-broken for their present circumstances. Becoming a pastor, I was introduced to a whole new set of people with souls--souls for which I was now, somehow, responsible. But that is another blog entirely!
I distinctly remember one of my youth telling me, pompously, that he didn’t want to follow Jesus anymore because it was too hard and he wanted to be popular, instead. How I cried and prayed and mourned for him! There have been others in my “care” who’ve blatantly walked away from Jesus. Some cannot bring themselves to fully believe it: "it" being that Jesus is Lord and has rightful claims on my life and soul. The majority of those who “walk away”, though, do it quietly…little by little, day by day. When faced with who Jesus is and what Jesus offers, they say, “so what?” My heart hurts for these people. I find myself praying for people—fervent, tear-filled, demon-fighting prayers. It would be overwhelming, without balance. Somehow, I am learning to balance spiritual passion with "letting God be God"...not doing it perfectly, but learning.
When I was younger, I believed (deep down, in some hidden place that I could not admit to myself) that I was responsible for the salvation of the world--that if I failed to bring people to Jesus, the world would be lost, or at least all the people who mattered most to me (which was the extent of my “world”, back in the day). Somehow, I believed I was the messiah instead of Jesus. I didn't really think I was Jesus, mind you, but I felt this huge weight of responsibility for something that I could not possibly be responsbile for (i.e. the eternal destiny of people that I love). I have a friend who calls this kind of beahvior "being the Holy Spirit, Jr.” (like God needs an assistant or something). While God graciously allows us to participate in what He is doing in the world, the whole of God’s will does not rest on any one person’s shoulders. God repeatedly responds to my “prayers” (often my thinly veiled “instructions” for God on how to do His job) and says: “Tina, I know. I am working on that. It isn’t like this all took my by surprise or something. What seems overwhelming to you is not so overwhelming to Me. Let me do my job. You do yours. Don’t get your job and My job confused”.
What is my job, as a Christian (not as a pastor, mind you, but as a Christian)? Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I think being a Christian means being passionate; it means caring about the things God cares about (things like people’s souls and eternity and injustice and holiness, just to name a few). Yet, somehow that passion needs to be tempered with a kind of abiding: a deep resting in God’s goodness, providence and power. That means, even if I fail or falter, still God is big enough to bring His purposes to pass. That means even though the Devil (and his cause) may appear to be winning the battle, we must remember that God WILL win the war. It is my job, as a Christian, to pray fervently, to inspire others toward prayer and action, to speak truth in love, to live a faithful and obedient life, to fan the flame of my love for God and inspire the same in others, to show and tell about Christ and Him crucified, and to trust completely in God’s all surpassing goodness, grace and power. That means I don’t have to be the savior of the world…Jesus has that covered. I need to remind myself of that from time to time. I need to let God be God...and most times, I just need to get Tina out of the way.
I distinctly remember one of my youth telling me, pompously, that he didn’t want to follow Jesus anymore because it was too hard and he wanted to be popular, instead. How I cried and prayed and mourned for him! There have been others in my “care” who’ve blatantly walked away from Jesus. Some cannot bring themselves to fully believe it: "it" being that Jesus is Lord and has rightful claims on my life and soul. The majority of those who “walk away”, though, do it quietly…little by little, day by day. When faced with who Jesus is and what Jesus offers, they say, “so what?” My heart hurts for these people. I find myself praying for people—fervent, tear-filled, demon-fighting prayers. It would be overwhelming, without balance. Somehow, I am learning to balance spiritual passion with "letting God be God"...not doing it perfectly, but learning.
When I was younger, I believed (deep down, in some hidden place that I could not admit to myself) that I was responsible for the salvation of the world--that if I failed to bring people to Jesus, the world would be lost, or at least all the people who mattered most to me (which was the extent of my “world”, back in the day). Somehow, I believed I was the messiah instead of Jesus. I didn't really think I was Jesus, mind you, but I felt this huge weight of responsibility for something that I could not possibly be responsbile for (i.e. the eternal destiny of people that I love). I have a friend who calls this kind of beahvior "being the Holy Spirit, Jr.” (like God needs an assistant or something). While God graciously allows us to participate in what He is doing in the world, the whole of God’s will does not rest on any one person’s shoulders. God repeatedly responds to my “prayers” (often my thinly veiled “instructions” for God on how to do His job) and says: “Tina, I know. I am working on that. It isn’t like this all took my by surprise or something. What seems overwhelming to you is not so overwhelming to Me. Let me do my job. You do yours. Don’t get your job and My job confused”.
What is my job, as a Christian (not as a pastor, mind you, but as a Christian)? Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I think being a Christian means being passionate; it means caring about the things God cares about (things like people’s souls and eternity and injustice and holiness, just to name a few). Yet, somehow that passion needs to be tempered with a kind of abiding: a deep resting in God’s goodness, providence and power. That means, even if I fail or falter, still God is big enough to bring His purposes to pass. That means even though the Devil (and his cause) may appear to be winning the battle, we must remember that God WILL win the war. It is my job, as a Christian, to pray fervently, to inspire others toward prayer and action, to speak truth in love, to live a faithful and obedient life, to fan the flame of my love for God and inspire the same in others, to show and tell about Christ and Him crucified, and to trust completely in God’s all surpassing goodness, grace and power. That means I don’t have to be the savior of the world…Jesus has that covered. I need to remind myself of that from time to time. I need to let God be God...and most times, I just need to get Tina out of the way.
"He must become greater, I must become less".
~John 3:30
No comments:
Post a Comment