My grandma had a birthday yesterday. That’s right, Melba Leola Ehrnschwender (seriously, that’s her name) celebrated her 86th year of life. The last few years have not been especially kind to my grandma, physically or mentally. At this point, the non-lucid moments greatly outnumber the lucid ones. Just a small vignette to illustrate:
Grandma said, “Bush passed me in the hallway and didn’t even say ‘hi’”.
“Do you mean President Bush, Grandma?”
“Yes”
“Well, I’ve heard he’s like that,” I responded.
Then we were on to the next nonsensical topic.
When my Aunt Debbie visited recently, Grandma didn’t know who she was. My mom and I decided to meet at the nursing home yesterday, not knowing if we’d be remembered or not. Mom tried to get out of the meeting after we heard Aunt Debbie’s report, wondering if we could put it off until after Christmas. It is rather depressing at the holiday season to be forgotten by your own mother, so I understood her hesitation…but I twisted her arm and we went ahead with the plan. I prayed the whole way from Columbus to Findlay that it would be a good visit--that Grandma would know who we were. I said to God, “Even if Grandma doesn’t remember me, please let her remember mom”. Well, it was a good and blessed visit, because Grandam did know us—both of us. Grandma knowing who we were was about the only thing that made any sense during our visit. The rest of our conversation was pretty illogical, albeit amusing. I always enjoyed bantering back and forth with my Grandma. Now the banter doesn’t follow any logical patter, but at least we can still laugh together. And, when you are forced to watch someone you dearly love deteriorate before your eyes, you need a little laughter every now and then.
My great friend, Alicia, wrote a paper in seminary comparing Israel’s forgetfulness to Alzheimer’s…kind of a spiritual forgetfulness. The main difference between actual Alzheimer’s and Israel’s forgetfulness, though, is intentionality. The former looses memory through no fault of their own, the latter intentionally chose to do their own thing and forget God’s goodness. Watching my Grandma, and her inability to remember significant events and relationships, reminds me of Alicia’s paper…and the many discussions we all had as roommates about the topic. The main sentiment which came back to me was: no matter how much Israel forgot about God, God never forgot about them. God always remained faithful to what He promised them…no matter how much the people forgot (or ignored) Him.
In my relationship with grandma, I now find myself in an interesting position…being the one who remembers what the other has forgotten. There are many relationships in life—in different seasons or stages—where the burden of memory keeping falls on one person, when the relationship becomes one-sided. When you love someone deeply, there may be a time when you are called to remember that love for both of you. So it is with my grandma now. Grandma loved me so incredibly well, for such a long time, that it doesn’t seem like such a burden to remember on her behalf. I have memory enough for the both of us. She may not remember much, but I will not forget her…and maybe that is what true love is really like. I know that’s what God’s love is like.
God has a love for us that is not dependent on our memories. I often feel that I need to earn God’s love—that if I just do enough (if I am just “good” enough), somehow He might love me more…or, at the very least, I might feel worthy of the love He continually lavishes upon me. That’s not really how it works, though. My faltering, flawed love for my Grandma reminds me that when you love someone deeply enough, your love is not dependent on that person’s response. Your love is simply an unchangeable reality. While God longs for our response to Him (in a much more significant way than even the longing of a child to be remembered by her parent), God's love is not dependent on our response. Somehow, God’s love is high, wide, deep, and long enough to carry us through our seasons of forgetfulness. “We love because He first loved us”. We remember God because He never forgets us.
One of my favorite songs talks about this great love that God has for us. I wish I could find it on video or that I knew how to upload a song onto my blog. Since I cannot share the actual song with you, I want to at least share the lyrics. It reminds me that no matter what happens, God will remember me…that no matter how cold my heart may be in certain seasons, God’s love for me remains constant. Most of all, if the day comes when I find myself in a similar state as my grandma—unable to remember the most significant people and times of my life—I know that God will not forget me. That gives me great comfort…and the ability to face my unknown future unafraid. May you experience the constant, unforgetting, unforgettable love of God in Jesus Christ.
“You Cannot Lose My Love” by Sara Groves
You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.
You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.
You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.
Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose my love.
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