The majority of my days are marked with relative confidence. I am pretty sure of who I am and what I am doing in this world. I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses--and working to make the strengths stronger and minimize the weaknesses. I see and understand my human frailty, and still, I generally feel comfortable in my own skin.
However, there are moments where a wave of insecurity will crash over me. Often, it will come out of, seemingly, nowhere. In the midst of my normal, secure day, I can suddenly wonder if I am good enough or if people really like me or if I really "fit" in whatever situation I happen to find myself at the time.
What I've been wondering lately is: Am I alone? Do others have these random moments were you wonder if you really measure up? Everything within me says, "Of course...that's human". Yet, very few people talk about it or admit to it. Maybe the rest of the world is much more put together than I am. This is not beyond the scope of possibility, since I am not especially put together!
I remember what it felt like to be a teenager. As I teen, I think I felt insecure most of the time and it was security that showed up and surprised me from time to time. Now it is reversed. This leads me to hope that, by the time I am 90, insecurity will be virtually eliminated from my soul's vocabulary. That's the dream!
Let me give an example of this insecurity in my life. As a pastor, I have the joy and privilege of delivering a sermon on a weekly basis. A lot of time, energy, research, thought, and prayer goes into a sermon. For the most part, I feel that God has given me gifts as a preacher...meaning that, with His gracious help, I do a pretty good job most of the time. After church, I usually feel confident that the message was sound and effective. Then it happens...at some point on Sunday afternoon, the insecurites and doubts creep in. I start thinking about what I said (almost on a subconscious level). Then, with horror, I think: "Did I really say that?" or "I can't believe I forgot to say that?". I fear that all is lost. I have failed God, abandoned the Gospel, and confused my people. I wrestle with the insecurities, remind myself of what is true, and eventually that wave passes. Yet, week after week, season after season, the insecurites continue to come.
Another example: People like to give you their opinions when you are a pastor. People compliment you and say wonderful things. Yet, people also give their opinions about what you should be doing or what you could do better. In my saner moments, I am quite aware that the compliments FAR OUTWEIGH the negative feedback. But, for me, it is that one negative comment that I will fixate on and analyze and lose sleep over. The nice stuff, the encouraging stuff...well, that is easier to brush off and pretend it's not so important. The bad stuff sits with me longer. The ideas of "let it go in one ear and out the other" or "get thicker skin" are great in theory--and I generally attempt that secure way of dealing with the world--but when the waves of insecurity come, those adages are not much help.
I'm not sure why we find the bad stuff easier to believe. It seems that, in each of us, there is this sense of not being "enough": pretty enough, successful enough, rich enough, funny enough, smart enough, loved enough...like there is a defecit inside of us and, try though we may to ignore it, certain things continually bring the "not-enoughness" to the surface. Usually, it is the thoughts, words, or actions of another that most clearly brings that insecurity to the center of our consciousness.
Sometimes people say, "Well, I don't care what people think about me". I've heard lots of people espouse that. I have yet to meet someone for whom that is actually true, regardless of what they say. Basically, talk is cheap. If we are honest, we all care (sometimes more than we want to care). We are each affected and effected by others. That is part of being alive...which is a pretty great thing, for the most part.
In my mind, I realize I am so completely loved by God that nothing should faze me. I should be unmoved by the opinions of others or the demands for perfection this world voices. The majority of my time, on the majority of my days, I cling to the truth that I belong to God, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that being Tina is a pretty great and special thing to be. It is just those ever present insecurity-waves that keep coming. I want to be passed that. I know, however, it is a process--and most likely a life-long process.
I guess I'm writing this to those people out there who know what I am talking about, for those who have wondered, "Am I alone in this?". The answer is "no". As one of my favorite songs (from the musical "Into the Woods") says: "No one is alone". I will just post those lyrics here (below). Truly, it's a great song...though I take issue with the idea of "you decide what's good, you decide alone". If we are talking about what is true and right, there are some things that are absolute, regardless of what we--as individulas--think about them. But, maybe, in terms of believing what is true about ourselves, we do decide alone. People can tell you all sorts of wonderful things about who you are and what you do, but until you choose to believe it, it is not "true" for you. As you read the words, just know it is ok to be a person in process...to be a complex mixture of confidence and insecurity, strength and weakness, faith and fear. I need to remind myself of that on a daily basis. It is ok to be right where you are...and, you are not alone.
from "Into the Woods"
Music and Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
No one here to guide you,
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you . . .
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone, truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you
Halfway through the wood.
Others may deceive you
You decide what's good.
You decide alone,
But no one is alone.
People make mistakes,
Fathers, mothers,
People make mistakes
Holding to their own,
Thinking they're alone.
Honor their mistakes
Everybody makes
one another's terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right,
Giants can be good.
You decide what's right
You decide what's good.
Just remember . . .
Someone is on your side.
Someone else is not.
While you're seeing your side
maybe you forgot:
They are not alone.
No one is alone.
Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go.
Things will come out right now
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side
No one is alone.
However, there are moments where a wave of insecurity will crash over me. Often, it will come out of, seemingly, nowhere. In the midst of my normal, secure day, I can suddenly wonder if I am good enough or if people really like me or if I really "fit" in whatever situation I happen to find myself at the time.
What I've been wondering lately is: Am I alone? Do others have these random moments were you wonder if you really measure up? Everything within me says, "Of course...that's human". Yet, very few people talk about it or admit to it. Maybe the rest of the world is much more put together than I am. This is not beyond the scope of possibility, since I am not especially put together!
I remember what it felt like to be a teenager. As I teen, I think I felt insecure most of the time and it was security that showed up and surprised me from time to time. Now it is reversed. This leads me to hope that, by the time I am 90, insecurity will be virtually eliminated from my soul's vocabulary. That's the dream!
Let me give an example of this insecurity in my life. As a pastor, I have the joy and privilege of delivering a sermon on a weekly basis. A lot of time, energy, research, thought, and prayer goes into a sermon. For the most part, I feel that God has given me gifts as a preacher...meaning that, with His gracious help, I do a pretty good job most of the time. After church, I usually feel confident that the message was sound and effective. Then it happens...at some point on Sunday afternoon, the insecurites and doubts creep in. I start thinking about what I said (almost on a subconscious level). Then, with horror, I think: "Did I really say that?" or "I can't believe I forgot to say that?". I fear that all is lost. I have failed God, abandoned the Gospel, and confused my people. I wrestle with the insecurities, remind myself of what is true, and eventually that wave passes. Yet, week after week, season after season, the insecurites continue to come.
Another example: People like to give you their opinions when you are a pastor. People compliment you and say wonderful things. Yet, people also give their opinions about what you should be doing or what you could do better. In my saner moments, I am quite aware that the compliments FAR OUTWEIGH the negative feedback. But, for me, it is that one negative comment that I will fixate on and analyze and lose sleep over. The nice stuff, the encouraging stuff...well, that is easier to brush off and pretend it's not so important. The bad stuff sits with me longer. The ideas of "let it go in one ear and out the other" or "get thicker skin" are great in theory--and I generally attempt that secure way of dealing with the world--but when the waves of insecurity come, those adages are not much help.
I'm not sure why we find the bad stuff easier to believe. It seems that, in each of us, there is this sense of not being "enough": pretty enough, successful enough, rich enough, funny enough, smart enough, loved enough...like there is a defecit inside of us and, try though we may to ignore it, certain things continually bring the "not-enoughness" to the surface. Usually, it is the thoughts, words, or actions of another that most clearly brings that insecurity to the center of our consciousness.
Sometimes people say, "Well, I don't care what people think about me". I've heard lots of people espouse that. I have yet to meet someone for whom that is actually true, regardless of what they say. Basically, talk is cheap. If we are honest, we all care (sometimes more than we want to care). We are each affected and effected by others. That is part of being alive...which is a pretty great thing, for the most part.
In my mind, I realize I am so completely loved by God that nothing should faze me. I should be unmoved by the opinions of others or the demands for perfection this world voices. The majority of my time, on the majority of my days, I cling to the truth that I belong to God, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that being Tina is a pretty great and special thing to be. It is just those ever present insecurity-waves that keep coming. I want to be passed that. I know, however, it is a process--and most likely a life-long process.
I guess I'm writing this to those people out there who know what I am talking about, for those who have wondered, "Am I alone in this?". The answer is "no". As one of my favorite songs (from the musical "Into the Woods") says: "No one is alone". I will just post those lyrics here (below). Truly, it's a great song...though I take issue with the idea of "you decide what's good, you decide alone". If we are talking about what is true and right, there are some things that are absolute, regardless of what we--as individulas--think about them. But, maybe, in terms of believing what is true about ourselves, we do decide alone. People can tell you all sorts of wonderful things about who you are and what you do, but until you choose to believe it, it is not "true" for you. As you read the words, just know it is ok to be a person in process...to be a complex mixture of confidence and insecurity, strength and weakness, faith and fear. I need to remind myself of that on a daily basis. It is ok to be right where you are...and, you are not alone.
from "Into the Woods"
Music and Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
No one here to guide you,
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you . . .
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone, truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you
Halfway through the wood.
Others may deceive you
You decide what's good.
You decide alone,
But no one is alone.
People make mistakes,
Fathers, mothers,
People make mistakes
Holding to their own,
Thinking they're alone.
Honor their mistakes
Everybody makes
one another's terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right,
Giants can be good.
You decide what's right
You decide what's good.
Just remember . . .
Someone is on your side.
Someone else is not.
While you're seeing your side
maybe you forgot:
They are not alone.
No one is alone.
Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go.
Things will come out right now
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side
No one is alone.
3 comments:
My mom always said when I was growing up "If you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all." As she grew older she became more brutally honest (Those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen) and when she'd get a reaction she'd say "The devil made me do it." As I grow older and wonder am I enough for those I love - am I enough for the Lord - I believe the devil is messing with my mind and saying of course not and let me list the ways. Sometimes the only way I can break this cycle is to praise God for loving a sinner like me and ask that he cast out my demons and remind me why he loves me and that I am enough ... and that works until the next wave of insecurity hits. The more Godly you are - I believe the more you are tested. I know your heart because I am your mother. I think Satin preys on the pastors who are making a difference and leaves you alone when you are not such a threat - so I believe that the answer is to use those insecure times to turn them over to Jesus and thank him for making a difference in your life. You were called into ministry and therefore will be most susceptible to attacks by Satin. I know that negativity is easy to believe but prayer will turn that around. My God is an awesome God he reigns... I am so grateful that God chose me to be your mother. I love you so much and wish I could put my arms around you to remind you how much you are loved - even when it doesn't feel like it. Ten years ago when I was about to go into surgery, the doctor said I was so high risk for surgery that I may not make it off the table. I didn't have much time to deal with that comment so I asked Jesus to put his arms around me and hold be safe throughout the surgery. And immediately I had this overwhelming feeling of being a child held in these huge and loving arms. That was my last memory before the surgery and of course there were no complications. And again I say ... my God is an awesome God - he reigns.
mom
Mom, while Satin can be especially slippery and sometimes sleazy, I believe you meant "Satan"...just teasing you!!!
I agree that he (Satan/Satin)is quite a culprit and is at play in a lot of what is negative in people's lives. Yet, I also think there are basic human insecurities that are at play...things that are so deeply part of us they do their dirty work all on their own.
Don't worry...I'm not sad or hurt or anything...just reflecting on how you can be going along on an ordinary day and then--out of the blue--you start to worry about your relationship with someone (do they care about me? are they mad at me?) or worry about your effectiveness (am I really making a difference in this world? what if I am not good at doing this?) or worry about your dreams (what if I never get married? what if I'm never a mom? what if I am just unlovable?)...none of these things are true or good...but they are questions that slap me in the face from time to time.
You are right...the answer is to find your strength and identity in God's grace. I just wish I could erradicate the insecurities in the first place...don't we all?!!!
I just try to forget everything I said in a sermon, everything about the sermon, that I gave a sermon, or even what a sermon is. It's the only way I save my sanity.
Forget it and move on.... the only words of wisdom from a guy just writing a bunch of papers this year.
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