I received my first “anonymous letter” today. In some ways, I feel honored. I mean, after all, it’s like I’m important or something; all the great leaders, who made waves, got anonymous letters. Really, I think it is just par for the course, as far as being a pastor is concerned. I was shielded from that as an associate pastor, being part of a “team”. In fact, that was the thing I liked most about being an associate—that I could just do what God was leading me to do, work in my assigned areas, and not have to spend the majority of my time dealing with all the administrative details of church life (which includes people’s complaints—both anonymous and forthright). Granted, no matter what you do, people will complain about something. That is just people. In all fairness, I think it is a small minority of people, but they become the squeaky wheels that get the oil. I have to remember that I, myself, am slow to praise when things are going well…but quick to share my opinion when things don’t go the way I think they should (or when people don’t behave the way I think they should). We are all more prone to complain than to praise: look at those Israelites in the desert. I am them! We all are!
Don’t get me wrong, I think it is healthy to discuss our disagreements, to speak up for what we think is wrong or ungodly, and to make a difference where a difference needs to be made. However, the means does NOT justify the end. Personally, I find anonymous letters to be a poor means to attain any good end. There is no way to resolve any issues if you don’t know who has the “issues”. Also, though I try to give people the benefit of the doubt about things, I am still human. That means that my head is spinning, trying to figure out who sent this letter. I really don’t want to look out at my congregation on Sunday and be thinking “who was it?” What an awful thought to have running through your mind. I wish I had better control over my thoughts, because that is not a path I want to go down. But it is a path that humans tend to go down. We try to fill in the blanks, answer questions, put names with faces…and we want to know who wrote us that anonymous letter. What is that about “nature abhors a vaccuum” (isn’t that one of the laws of thermodynamics or something?!); when information is not provided, we find ways to get the information that is lacking…unfortunate, but true.
Granted, my anonymous letter stated that “many people” share the same opinion about the topic at hand. I had some wise advice from my former senior pastor, who used to be a district superintendent (i.e. a pastor to the pastors and arbiter between churches and pastors). He told me to always ask a lot of questions when people say things like: “many people agree with me”. His favorite question to ask was: “Exactly how many people?” And then, to further ask, “Did they say this to you specifically?” His vast experience proved that “many” usually meant a handful (sometimes, it meant “well, me and my best friend and my wife” or “well, just me, specifically--but I talked to a lot of people about it and they didn't DISAGREE”). In my short 32 years of observing life and people, it seems people like to feel they are not alone in a confrontation situation. We have trouble simply saying, “This is how I feel”, as if our opinion alone is not worthy of consideration. My theory is that people should speak for themselves, not for others. I say this because: a) I am hurt by my current situation and b) because that reasoning (“a lot of people agree with me”) only puts the other person on the defensive…like you are saying, “I am completely right; every one else agrees with me; your opinion is not as valid as mine”.
I have heard it said you shouldn’t open an anonymous letter—just toss it out the moment you see it is “unclaimed”. That is probably good advice, but I am too nosey for that. Curiosity kills the cat, or the Tina! Yet, if you can read a letter and look for what is true in it, and throw out what is not, it can be a learning experience. I am sure that is true for a less sensitive person…but I get my feelings hurt too easily. And, when it comes to the church, that is where my heart is--where I put my energy and passion. I want to be a true and faithful servant of Jesus…seeking to follow Him in all that I do and, especially, in how I lead His church. So, complaints about the church are interpreted as complaints about me. Again, that is due to my own frailties and faults…but I am human, just a “jar of clay”, as the Scriptures say.
I am unsure of my future response to today’s anonymous letter. Looking for some internet guidance on responding to anonymous letters, I came across the “Youth's Educator For Home And Society”, circa 1896. From Chapter 19: “Letter Writing” (the section “a few hints”), it said:
“Never write an anonymous letter. It is cowardly; The recipient of such a letter should quietly burn it. The man or woman who dares not sign his or her name is unworthy of notice.”
I guess the anonymous letter has been around for quite some time!
I also came across a pastor’s website, discussing whether or not Christians should write anonymous letters. I think he says some interesting things. I, personally, felt convicted by his message, since he believes that all conflict should be dealt with “face to face”. I have taken the email route before…BIG MISTAKE…too much misunderstanding and miscommunication. I have also called on the phone before, but there is something missing without facial expressions. Grace and healing come most freely through face to face discussion. I wonder how much conflict in my life could have been alleviated (more quickly and with less residual emotion) if I would have followed his advice (below). After today, I have decided I agree with him 100 percent. Face to face is the only way. I share this with you and hope it will bless you as it has blessed me.
(From www.Pastordale.com)
“Is it right to send anonymous letters?”
Don’t get me wrong, I think it is healthy to discuss our disagreements, to speak up for what we think is wrong or ungodly, and to make a difference where a difference needs to be made. However, the means does NOT justify the end. Personally, I find anonymous letters to be a poor means to attain any good end. There is no way to resolve any issues if you don’t know who has the “issues”. Also, though I try to give people the benefit of the doubt about things, I am still human. That means that my head is spinning, trying to figure out who sent this letter. I really don’t want to look out at my congregation on Sunday and be thinking “who was it?” What an awful thought to have running through your mind. I wish I had better control over my thoughts, because that is not a path I want to go down. But it is a path that humans tend to go down. We try to fill in the blanks, answer questions, put names with faces…and we want to know who wrote us that anonymous letter. What is that about “nature abhors a vaccuum” (isn’t that one of the laws of thermodynamics or something?!); when information is not provided, we find ways to get the information that is lacking…unfortunate, but true.
Granted, my anonymous letter stated that “many people” share the same opinion about the topic at hand. I had some wise advice from my former senior pastor, who used to be a district superintendent (i.e. a pastor to the pastors and arbiter between churches and pastors). He told me to always ask a lot of questions when people say things like: “many people agree with me”. His favorite question to ask was: “Exactly how many people?” And then, to further ask, “Did they say this to you specifically?” His vast experience proved that “many” usually meant a handful (sometimes, it meant “well, me and my best friend and my wife” or “well, just me, specifically--but I talked to a lot of people about it and they didn't DISAGREE”). In my short 32 years of observing life and people, it seems people like to feel they are not alone in a confrontation situation. We have trouble simply saying, “This is how I feel”, as if our opinion alone is not worthy of consideration. My theory is that people should speak for themselves, not for others. I say this because: a) I am hurt by my current situation and b) because that reasoning (“a lot of people agree with me”) only puts the other person on the defensive…like you are saying, “I am completely right; every one else agrees with me; your opinion is not as valid as mine”.
I have heard it said you shouldn’t open an anonymous letter—just toss it out the moment you see it is “unclaimed”. That is probably good advice, but I am too nosey for that. Curiosity kills the cat, or the Tina! Yet, if you can read a letter and look for what is true in it, and throw out what is not, it can be a learning experience. I am sure that is true for a less sensitive person…but I get my feelings hurt too easily. And, when it comes to the church, that is where my heart is--where I put my energy and passion. I want to be a true and faithful servant of Jesus…seeking to follow Him in all that I do and, especially, in how I lead His church. So, complaints about the church are interpreted as complaints about me. Again, that is due to my own frailties and faults…but I am human, just a “jar of clay”, as the Scriptures say.
I am unsure of my future response to today’s anonymous letter. Looking for some internet guidance on responding to anonymous letters, I came across the “Youth's Educator For Home And Society”, circa 1896. From Chapter 19: “Letter Writing” (the section “a few hints”), it said:
“Never write an anonymous letter. It is cowardly; The recipient of such a letter should quietly burn it. The man or woman who dares not sign his or her name is unworthy of notice.”
I guess the anonymous letter has been around for quite some time!
I also came across a pastor’s website, discussing whether or not Christians should write anonymous letters. I think he says some interesting things. I, personally, felt convicted by his message, since he believes that all conflict should be dealt with “face to face”. I have taken the email route before…BIG MISTAKE…too much misunderstanding and miscommunication. I have also called on the phone before, but there is something missing without facial expressions. Grace and healing come most freely through face to face discussion. I wonder how much conflict in my life could have been alleviated (more quickly and with less residual emotion) if I would have followed his advice (below). After today, I have decided I agree with him 100 percent. Face to face is the only way. I share this with you and hope it will bless you as it has blessed me.
(From www.Pastordale.com)
“Is it right to send anonymous letters?”
The answer is no. Anonymous letters are wrong for a number of reasons. The main reason should be obvious: as Christians, we are encouraged to resolve our differences with other believers. But setting forth our differences in anonymous letters only insures that they will not be resolved.
Think about it. There are two main ways to resolve our differences: one is to let our differences go:
Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace. (Eph. 4:2-3)
A second way to biblically resolve an issue would be to lovingly discuss things, face to face, being “...quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). That way, both sides can fairly represent their point of view, real understanding can be gained, and loving hearts can prevail through encouragement from scripture.
Anonymous rebukes guarantee that neither of these courses are taken. When someone has written an anonymous letter, they’ve shown they can’t (read: “are not willing”) to let it go. And an anonymous letter, by virtue of its anonymity, insures that the two parties will never be able to get together for conversation and understanding.
The writers of anonymous letters already know that these are a bad way to deal with problems. That’s why they’re embarrassed to sign them. The very fact that the letter is sent unsigned is the writer’s tacit acknowledgement that its delivery is dishonorable, and that it is unbecoming for a disciple of Jesus.
Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. (Rom. 12:17)
This is a good issue to raise because it speaks not only to writers of anonymous letters, but to any of us who have treated a brother or sister badly: those we’ve snubbed or spurned or neglected or abused or treated unfairly.
If you wrote the letter I’m talking about, your stomach is probably churning as you read this. But don’t worry, there is a way to settle your tummy. It’s not easy, but it’s right. Remember, it’s like what you taught your children when you encouraged them to confess to a broken window or a stolen quarter: the right thing to do is sometimes the hard thing to do but it’s always the best thing to do.
The best thing for you to do is to approach the letter’s recipient, admit your sin, and ask them to forgive you (Matt. 5:23-24). Go face-to-face. Do not use the mail, or email, or the telephone. There is absolutely no substitute for face-to-face interaction when dealing with such things (scripture says “go to him”). I’ll guess that if you do this, the recipient(s) will be very forgiving. Imagine what a relief it will be for them, not sitting in church or walking through Albertson’s, wondering if the next person they see will be the author of that anonymous letter. Anyway, if you go to the recipient with contrition, they’ll be challenged to respond to you with forgiveness. Just as you have to do the hard but right thing, they will have to do the hard but right – and freeing – thing.
In the meantime, let’s not write anonymous letters.
--Tina says, “Amen!”
5 comments:
Definitely agree about the face to face thing. In all circumstances.
As for how to deal with the ones that you get. I like to take a black marker to them. I've only recieved two in my life, but that's enough. When I read over it, the parts that seemed un-Christian and un-Biblical, I used a black marker and eliminated it forever.
Thank you for this. This helps me deal with a similar situation.
Thank you so much for writing this! I thought maybe we were alone. My husband is a Pastor, and the anonymous letter does nothing but discourage. Again, thank you!
I know this is an old post, but it really helped me today. I received an anonymous letter after leaving our church recently, and I love your perspective on the whole thing. Thank you!
And I didn't mean to be anonymous in responding.It says I'm signed in. :)
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