Transitions

I am now a married woman...almost 7 weeks. It has been a lot easier to join my life with another person's than I ever imagined. We don't have disagreements about the toothpaste squeezing or the direction toilet paper should go on the roll. That isn't to say we don't have disagreements: we do! But it is never about the small stuff; our struggles are more about our internal demons and insecurities, trying to figure out how the other person communicates, and about finally feeling loved and safe after a lifetime of never really experiencing that with such intensity. It is a transition to trust someone to love you unconditionally and forever. It is a nice transition, but a transition nonetheless.

It is amazing to me how much of life is about transitioning. I say this as a person who just got married...then my aunt died...my dear friend's mother and father died within a month of one another...my step-grandmother died this week. Lots of death. Lots of transition.

Most of life involves change. There are very few times where life is simply "normal" and immutable. Most seasons include some kinds of transition: some happy, like marriage...others painful, like death. Most are mixed, meaning that there is happiness present at the saddest of times, and a little sorrow, even at the happiest moments.

Being human, I can't say I am overly fond of change. It doesn't bother me as much as the average person (I attribute this to being an ENFP on the Myers Briggs--that "p" part sort of thrives on change)...still, I like things to feel comfortable, normal, at rest. How often, really, is life like that? There may be a day here or there that is changeless...but for the most part, life is on the move, transition after transition.

I have always clung to the verse in Hebrews 13:8, "Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever". It gives me peace to know that whatever is changing around me, Jesus stays solid. Jesus stays the same.

The truth of God's constancy overwhelmed me during one of the recent funerals that I performed. (Please God, no more funerals...can I just get a month off from funerals?) As the pastor, it is my job to lead the body to the graveside. I walk ahead, with the pall bearers carrying the casket behind me, to the graveside. I stand there, at the head of the casket, waiting for it to be set into place. Long ago, someone told me that a pastor is meant to represent God to people--that during the significant moments of life, the pastor is there with families, reminding them that God is with them. Even when you don't say anything, as a pastor, you represent God's constant presence.

The last time I led a body to the grave, I was overwhelmed by the idea that I represented God's presence. It dawned on me that, just as I walk before the casket, God is always leading us to where we will go next. There has never been a moment when He was not present with us. There is no place we will go where He has not walked ahead. Even when we take our final breath, even then God has gone before us, to prepare a place for us.

I find it comforting that no matter how much life changes, God goes before us and after us and beside us and within us...leading, guiding, holding, healing, changing, helping, shaping, perfecting. As we face transitions that seem unknown and, perhaps, frightening, let us take comfort in our Leading God...who goes before us, every step of the way.

Long Absences

Hello Blog Readers!

Thank you for checking back in, even though I have been "silent" for a long time. Things have been busy: got engaged, planning a wedding, getting married in 30 days and 11 hours. In some ways, the wedding cannot get here soon enough, because I am truly ready to join my life with Joe's. It is all the little wedding details that make me wish there was at least a little more time left.

Being a pastor, I used to inwardly laugh at brides and all the things they worried about--things that really have no eternal meaning and really aren't important enough to cause ulcers (or potential matricide). Yet, now that I am the bride, I see it from a totally different perspective. It is like a light-switch clicked on and I became inordinately concerned with things like balloons and bubbles and ribbons and bows. Yes, I have become Bridezilla...me, the one who has counseled couples about the marriage relationship being the most important part of a wedding, about the wedding being a worship service meant to honor God, and about not getting caught up in details that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, etc. Those are easy words to say until you become the bride and actually find yourself crying (read sobbing) over a simple, inconsequential printing error on your wedding invitations. Every few days, I cry about something. In all fairness, I think it is just the stress.

I am not stressed about marrying Joe. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think that, because I have come to love him so much, I want a wedding that reflects how much Joe means to me, in the most perfect form possible. Perfection is a harsh thing to strive for...and pointless, really. I don't even know what perfect is. Still, I think a lot of the Bridezilla-mentality stems from a need to make your wedding into the perfect representation of your love. Not only does the phrase "perfect representation of our love" make me want to vomit, it is also impossible to symbolize marital love through bows and flowers. That just isn't going to happen. Something that meaningful cannot be made tangible through cake and balloons. Those things are just accessories meant to draw attention to what really matters.

This whole process has been eye-opening to me. I have learned that sometimes we surprise ourselves with our emotions and reactions. I have learned that I am more worldly-minded at times than I like to admit. And I have learned to never tell a bride to "calm down, it will all work out" (I am sure it is true, but brides don't want to hear it). I am also learning that maybe the stress and the mini-freakouts are just a normal part of the process and I should simply find a way to enjoy the crazy ride that leads me down the aisle. I will only travel this way one time; I might as well get the full experience! In the end, as long as Joe and I are married, I will be happy. Between now and then, I will probably be having nightmares about food running out, balloons deflating, flowers dying, and boys from the youth group (who are serving as ushers) wrestling each other in the narthex. Still, I guess the real fun (and meaning) in life is found in the unexpected, the disruptions, the detours. It is hard to remember that right now. I am sure I will get my spiritual perspective back again, after Bridezilla fever has passed.

I can't promise lots of blogging in the next month, but I will be back here soon enough. I miss it! And, who knows, you may get some pre-wedding rants from time to time in the next 30 days (and 11 hours). I am not sure how spiritually reflective it will be, but it will probably make you smile.

Feel free to check out our wedding website to read about the wedding details and sign our guest book: http://www.wedorama.com/joeandtina/

ALABASTER BOX - CECE WINANS

I am preaching this week about the woman who annoints Jesus' feet with a costly oil, just before He dies. She is scorned for her extravagance, by everyone but Jesus. Jesus appreciates the gesture, because Jesus always welcomes people who love Him with abandon...people who know how desperately they need Him and give their best to Him.

In preparation for this sermon, I have come back to a song that meant a lot to me at one point in my life: "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans. I think I have listend to this song at least 100 times this week and wanted to share it with you, my blogging friends. I love the line: "You don't know the cost of the oil, you don't know the cost of my praise, you don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box". I love the idea that because we have been so completely forgiven, we would lavish our love on Jesus.

I pray for each of us that we might more fully feel our need of Jesus...that we would experience His forgiveness in the deepest parts of our hearts and lives...and that, because we have been forgiven so completely, we might learn to really love God extravagantly.

"Alabaster Box" Lyrics
VERSE 1
The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind.
Still on she came, through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last she knelt before His feet. And though she spoke no words
Everything she said was heard, As she poured her love for the Master
From her box of Alabaster.

CHORUS
And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box
Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair.
You weren't there the night He found me.
You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped His love all around me.
And you don't know the cost of the oil in my Alabaster Box.

VERSE 2
I can't forget the way life used to be. I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
I spent my days pouring my life without measure
Into a little treasure box I thought I found. Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch.
So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of .
I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much.

CHORUS
And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box
Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair, my hair.
You weren't there the night Jesus found me. You did not feel what I felt
When He wrapped His love all around me. And you don't know the cost of the oil
Oh, you don't know the cost of my praise. You don't know the cost of the oil
In my Alabaster Box.

Being the Beloved

I have been thinking recently about how I define myself as a person. What gives me meaning? What gives me purpose? Who am I? Even as a Christian, do I find my identity in the things I do well, in my successes and achievements? Or do I define myself by what God says about me? Is my meaning and purpose found in my relationship with Christ?

As I am asking these thoughts, I came across the following reading (below), which speaks to our identity as "Beloved"...not because we are good or perfect, but simply because that is what God chooses to think and say about us.

I love that the very first thing God says about Jesus is that he is "beloved", that the Father is "pleased" with him. This happens before Jesus performs any miracles or enters into public ministry. God is pleased with Jesus, just as he is...because Jesus is beloved. We, too, are beloved. We may not feel it, but feelings do not make things true or untrue...they just muddy reality and distract us from what is most valid and life-giving. The truth is that we, just like Jesus, are beloved by God. That is the core of our identity...that is who we are: BELOVED.

I pray that the thoughts of Nouwen (below) will remind you to find your identity in your relationship to God...the God who loves you, just as you are...

"You Are My Beloved"
(from "The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life"; a book of thoughts from Henri Nouwen, compiled and edited by Wendy Wilson Greer)

I very much believe that the core moment of Jesus' public life was the baptism in the Jordan, when Jesus heard the affirmation, "You are my beloved on whom my favor rests". That is the core experience of Jesus. He is reminded in a deep, deep way of who he is. The temptations in the desert are temptations to move him away from that spiritual identity. He was tempted to believe he was someone else: You are the one who can turn stone into bread. You are the one who can jump from the temple. You are the one who can make others bow to your power. Jesus said, "No, no, no. I am the Beloved from God." I think his whole life is continually claiming that identity in the midst of everything. There are times in which he is praised, times when he is despised or rejected, but he keeps saying, Others will leave me alone, but my Father will not leave me alone. I am the beloved Son of God. I am the hope found in that identity.
Prayer, then, is listening to that voice--to the One who calls you the Beloved. It is to constantly go back to the truth of who we are and claim it for ourselves. I'm not what I do. I'm not what people say about me. I'm not what I have. Although there is nothing wrong with success, there is nothing wrong with popularity, there is nothing wrong with being powerful, finally my spiritual identity is not rooted in the world, the things the world gives me. My life is rooted in my spiritual identity. Whatever we do, we have to go back regularly to that place of core identity."

Love Lessons

Many apologies for the lack of recent posts. Starting a doctoral program in addition to normal pastoral duties has put me a little behind in the realm of blogging. In addition, another crucial dimension has been added to my life. I've started dating a wonderful man named Joe. Poor guy, he is dating a pastor, so he may very well end up as a sermon illustration or, like today, the impetus for a blog post.

This whole relationship thing has made me think many thoughts about God. Primarily, I've realized I have no clue as to what God is thinking most days. The more I try to figure Him out, the more confused I get. This is especially true in regard to His timing. This relationship caught me completely by surprise. Yes, we did meet on the internet (christiancafe.com), so I was, at some level, looking for a relationship. However, after a few months of online dating, I had pretty much decided that it was not for me. I was discouraged and disappointed by the people I had met; some guys were really nice guys, there was just no chemistry; others were plain creepy, and I mean that in the most Christ-like way. The overall experience was disheartening. I even went hiking one day and said to God, "This is ridiculous. I give up. I am done. I am going to buy a bunch of cats and forget the idea of ever meeting a man I could possibly marry." I say that tongue in cheek, but it was actually a very painful conversation that I had with God, wondering aloud if He really cared about the deepest desires of my heart. Because, unfortunately, whenever God does not do things in my timing, in the form I think things should take, I resort to doubting Him and His care for me. I am sure this frustrates Him endlessly, yet He loves me still. That relentless love will forever amaze me, because I certainly do not deserve it.

A few days after my little tantrum with God, I got a message from Joe, and so it began...at the point when I was ready to call it quits in terms of dating--but he seemed different, special, worth my time and attention (turns out, he is better than anyone I could have dreamed up). The whole thing happened at a very busy time, as I was starting my doctoral work, and had other things on my mind--as well as having decided that marriage was just never going to happen for me. The timing is not how I would have planned it, but maybe God actually knows what He is doing, even if His plan unfolds in a different way and time than I would expect. Maybe I had to really surrender my hopes, dreams and desires to God before He could actually fulfill them in any meaningful way. Again, I have no idea what God is thinking, so I could speculate all day about why this happened when it happened. Maybe I should just be grateful and enjoy it.

Another spiritual lesson I have learned from this new relationship is how cold my heart really is toward God. I enjoy talking to Joe for hours on end. I would give up sleep to spend time with him. When I hear his voice on the phone, my heart skips a beat. If I could just stare at his handsome face for days, I would feel content. No one has ever inspired such intensity of emotion in my heart before. Yet it makes me think, do I feel this intensely for Christ? When is the last time I gave up sleep in order to read His Word? When is the last time I was giddy just to be in His Presence? When has the sound of His Voice stopped my heart? I want to love God with that kind of intensity...to seek Him with the passion of a woman in love. That is what God deserves from us.

I have this belief that all the best parts of human relationships are but a poor reflection of the relationship God wants to have with us. The intensity and passion of romantic love remind us of the intensity of God's love for us, and how He is a God who longs to be loved with every part of our heart, soul, strength and mind. He wants a relationship with us that is all-consuming, all-fulfilling, all-inspiring. Falling in love with Joe has made me want to love Jesus even more. I pray for all of us that we might love Jesus with all the intensity and beauty that He is worthy of receiving. He deserves nothing less from us.

Recognising the Voice

Many apologies for the blogging silence, dear friends. I have been in the Boston area, working on my doctoral program at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I will be here throughout this coming week, as well. While I have certainly had some extra time in which to blog, I have not had much brain power left over after classes and homework. My mind is preoccupied with overly ambitious thoughts and is overwhelmed from very long days. I did, however, want to share something I read in a devotional book last night. Since my own thoughts are stagnate right now, I am borrowing from the thoughts of others (and it will probably be even more inspirational!). The following is taken from the book "The Monstatic Way: Ancient Wisdom for Contemporary Living, a Book of Daily Readings" edited by Hannah Ward and Jennifer Wild.

This devotional is entitled "Recognising the Voice" and begins with this quote:

"God is always at home. It is we who have gone out for a walk"
~Meister Eckhart

(and then the actual devotional, which happens to be in more of a poem format for this particular day)

"In the film
Dead Poets Society,
a student pretends
to get a phone call
during morning assembly.
When the phone rings,
he answers it
and tells the headmaster
that it is God calling.
I have spent
the majority of my life
waiting for that ring,
putting my life
on hold,
sitting through
sleepless nights
waiting, as if
for Godot,
but I only get
wrong numbers
or solicitors.
Each ring
I anticipate
a divine voice,
hoping beyond hope
that this time it is God,
but then it is
a lonely voice
or a distraught student
and again
I missed God,
or did I.
I wonder if maybe
I have heard
from God,
but just haven't
recognised the voice."
~Benedict Auer

Freedom

Since we are celebrating freedom this weekend, I thought I would share one of my favorite passages about the most important kind of freedom. May you find the ultimate freedom!

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
They answered him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?"
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
~John 8:31-36

Being known

My best friend sent me an email yesterday that contained this line: "I know you better than you know yourself". She was trying to make the point that sometimes I am not always objective when the topic is me. She then spoke wonderful and beautiful truths to me--about me--that I believe because they come from her. It made me reflect on what a fulfilling experience it is to be known. Isn't that what we all long for, after all? I think that is part of being created in the image of God: the desire to know and be known.

I remember a line from a movie about C.S. Lewis called Shadowlands. In the movie, Lewis is talking about books and says, "We read to know we are not alone." I think that is the relational element which is part of our make up as humans. We want connection with others (be they real or fictional). We want to know we are not alone.

But I think we want more than that. We want to be known...just as we are...and still loved. That is the greatest gift my best friend, Jessica (and many other dear friends and family) have taught me: Just as I am, warts and all, I am loved...deeply. Most people seem to have this fear that if people knew them, really knew them, they would not be fully loved and accepted. We have bought into this myth that love (or acceptance) are dependent things...dependent on perfection...but I like Shakespeare's take on love:

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken."
~Shakespeare, from Sonnet 116

I think that is the truth of any kind of real, deep love--not just romantic love--but the kind of love we humans most long for in relationships, that "know and be known" kind of love. The beauty of it all is that God lavishes that kind of love on us every day...and sends people into our lives to remind us that we are known, and loved, just as we are. I don't know about you, but I need to be continually reminded of that. Thank you, God, for those reminders...and thank you, Jessica, for knowing me better than I know myself. It is a good thing to be known.

Time for Healing

I think we all struggle with certain issues. My roommates in seminary and I used to joke about some of the people we knew having "more issues than National Geographic". The truth is, we all have areas of brokenness and insecurity...places that need healing and renewal.

God has brought certain broken places in my soul to the surface lately. I once heard someone say that that Holy Spirit will make you aware of things when it is the right time to really deal with them--and will give you the strength to be able to fully address those things. So, when new realizations (really, epiphanies) come to me, I take those seriously...as if God is trying to get a message across to me.

The most recent revelation of God to me is that I need to let Him heal my heart. There are things I believe about myself that are not true, insecurities and fears that keep me from fully embracing God's best for my life. I call myself many names that are not true or right or good. God wants me to see myself as He sees me. There is a passage in Isaiah that speaks to me of changing what we say about ourselves to reflect the truth of what God says about us:

Isaiah 62:3-5
The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—
a splendid crown in the hand of God.
Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City”
or “The Desolate Land.”
Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”
and “The Bride of God,”
for the Lord delights in you
and will claim you as his bride.
Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem,
just as a young man commits himself to his bride.
Then God will rejoice over you
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.

For me, I feel God has brought certain wounds to the surface because it is time to find healing for those things. It is time to really live into my identity as a child of God, to truly see myself as a person who is loved and redeemed by the Creator of the Universe. I am not even sure how to do that exactly, but take great comfort in the fact that God knows the things I do not know. All I have to do is submit myself to Him and let Him do a work in my heart.

As I spent time in prayer today, talking with God about healing, a song kept coming back to me, specifically this line: "You are our Healer, and you know what's broken, and we're not a mystery to you". That brought me great comfort, knowing that the things which seem like a big, jumbled mess in my soul are not a mystery to God, and not beyond His healing. That line comes from a beautiful song by Watermark, called "Mended". I wish I could find the actual song to share, but I at least offer the lyrics as a source of encouragement:

"Mended" by Watermark
You repair all that we have torn apart
and You unveil a new beginning in our hearts
and we stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

Chorus:
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind
and all that goes before us

Chorus

Bridge:
Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, for what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised

Knowing God's Love

There is a Scripture passage that continues to speak to me anew, at each stage of my life:

Ephesians 3: 17-19 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (The New Living Translation)

This passage talks about experiencing God's love in a way that goes beyond mental ascent. It talks about feeling that love, knowing that love, being overwhelmed by that love, being sure of that love...a love that is so big we can never fully get our minds around it; all we can really do is live into it.

I struggle with this because I want to get my mind around it. I want it to make sense. I want God to make sense. I want to know the answers to all the mysteries of the universe. To my inquiring mind, God speaks the truth that His love is not just an intellectual exercise, it is a way of living and being in the world; it is an identity; it is a firm foundation on which to stand...not something to be dissected, but something to experience.

I limit God, trying to fit Him into my image instead of transforming into His--meaning, among many things, that I view His love as conditional, because that has been my experience of even the most freely given human love. Most of the time, I think my biggest problem is that I just don't feel worthy of God's love. Why does this God want to love me? Really, He loves me with this great big, wide, high, deep love? Why?

With all my theological training, there is still only one answer that seems correct: Because He wants to. That's it. It is not because I am worth it, for I mess up all the time. It's not because He needs me (or any of us), because the eternally existing God could make it just fine without us. He loves us simply because He chooses to...and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us any more or less than He already does.

I pray that reality--the very real depths of God's love--will find its way into your heart and become the Truth by which you determine your worth, and the worth of all those around you. May we each live into the great, big, high, wide and deep Love that sustains and holds us, most profoundly when we do not deserve it at all.